The Spaces Between Evolution

This is a reflection I wrote at the beginning of June 2026: the summer after high school graduation. I was noticing a shift in my character toward a better version of myself, but that also brought fear and doubt. Summer was typically the time when I would waver on all the new healthy habits I had developed, and I couldn't help but wonder if the ambition for this summer would lead to firm changes, or prove to be fleeting conviction once again? However, with college only a few months away, it felt like this break had to be different. I couldn't shake the feeling that the last eighteen years had been building toward this very moment. It felt like the first real opportunity to discover whether all that development had produced something reliable, or if it had only ever supported the version of me that could fall back on the safety net of childhood. Because, it's not that I hadn't been growing at all, but that my approach to growth had been a inconsistent and leisurely. In light of the life change that was approaching, I realized it was time to actually secure these character evolvements. Things were getting real. The margin for carelessness was shrinking. I had been entrusted with too much to keep making excuses. Too much love, too much encouragement, too much guidance to let it amount to nothing. The thought of looking back and realizing I had let this opportunity slip from my grasp was unbearable.

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The entry reads as follows:

The process of developing new habits is unsteady. Yes, I’m a different girl now, a stronger girl, a more equipped girl—a result of growing up. But my current circumstance is the same as it was when I was weak. That’s unsettling because, naturally, it leaves me to ponder the chances that the resemblance of my situation leads me to return to the tendencies of my weaker self, the version I have given the most of my experience to up until this point. I can't help but think I’d revert to the habits I’ve held for the longer period of time. What if my desire to be evolved just isn't enough to make it through this unstable place? I know I’m on the brink of security, the brink of a better me, but I’m just not there yet. I’m like the Israelites. I’m out of captivity, but I’m not at the Promised Land yet, and I just can’t seem to find comfort at this place in between. It’s awkward and intimidating. The change I’ve spent so long pining for is just within reach, but whether I reach it in 40 days or 40 years hinges on each decision I make in this season of limbo. And it’s terrifying, almost paralyzing. What if the wilderness wins? What if I get lost in my thoughts again, and just like that, the shield I’ve been building for years crumbles under the enemy’s attacks? What if I just don't have what it takes to withstand?

I know there is nothing new under the sun, but I’m not the sun. I’m Alexi, a 17-year-old girl who is living for the first time. And each time I encounter something new, it unsettles me. But limbo doesn't leave space to be unsettled. I have to be decisive. What if I fail to apply what you’ve taught me or fail to open my eyes, ears, and heart in a timely manner? What if I freak out and drop the ball? A life with Jesus is quiet. The Holy Spirit speaks in a whisper; that I know. So, what if I don’t hear Him in the chaos? What if I’m not strong enough to hold on long enough to pick out your voice under all the pressure? I have no doubt that God will show up. My concern is that I won’t be waiting. I know He is going to be there, but I can’t grow if I’m not there with Him. Because He won’t force my hand. He gave me free will to live my own life. So once again, I know He won’t fail me; I just pray that I don’t fail myself.

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At the time that I'm publishing this it is August. Though my break has not completely run it's course, I can say that I have remained committed to the shift. I can also say that it is by nothing but the grace of God. He works in mysterious and elusive, but mighty ways. As I reflect on this summer and the defining moments that serve as evidence that this was a summer of progress, they all revolve around circumstances that were obviously weaved together by His divine hands.

I don't know what you are going through right now. Frankly, you probably can't fully grasp it either, but God can, and He has it all under control. If you seek His face, you will see the fruit of His plan. I promise you that.